Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
