I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize