Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
