I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
