I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
