Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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