is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
