Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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