I just made out with a guy for $7.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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