Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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