Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
