I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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