Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
