can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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