brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
