Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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