so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
