Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
