Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
