just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize