just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
