i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
