I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
