Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
