Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
