I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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