She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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