i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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