dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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