they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
