First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize