this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have peed in a lot of sinks
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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