whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
