Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
