Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
