the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
