Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
