i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
