I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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