Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
