someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
