he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My liver just had a heart attack.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize