I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Randomize
