My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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