That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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