We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
