no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
