i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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