That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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