guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
