Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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