I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
