your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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