laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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