The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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