Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
