I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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