oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
