Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
