it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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