Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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